How to Build Exceptional Relationships
In a world where conversations often skim the surface, the book Connect offers a refreshing and powerful invitation: build relationships that matter. Written by Stanford professors David Bradford and Carole Robin, based on their famed "Touchy-Feely" course (Interpersonal Dynamics), Connect distills decades of wisdom into a practical playbook for transforming relationships at work, home, and beyond.
This article explores the book's key insights and offers practical ways to apply them, so you can start building exceptional relationships—one small step at a time.
What Makes a Relationship Exceptional?
Bradford and Robin identify six core characteristics that distinguish exceptional relationships:
- You can be fully yourself and feel accepted for who you are.
- Both parties are willing to be vulnerable.
- Trust that the other person will not use your vulnerability against you.
- Honesty in communication—even when it’s uncomfortable.
- Productive conflict is welcomed and used to grow.
- A mutual commitment to each other's growth.
These relationships are rare—but not unreachable. The authors argue that exceptional connection is not innate; it is learnable.
The 15% Rule: Expand Your Comfort Zone Gradually
One of the book's most accessible practices is the 15% Rule. It encourages you to stretch just slightly beyond your comfort zone in how much you share:
"Share just 15% more than you're used to—enough to show openness, not so much that it overwhelms."
This gentle stretch builds psychological safety and encourages others to reciprocate. Over time, what once felt like a risk becomes part of a deeper norm of authenticity.
Try this:
At your next lunch with a colleague or coffee with a friend, share something personal—not your deepest secret, but something real. You might say, "I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed this week—trying to juggle too much."
Ready to make a change?
Your team is steady. Your job is predictable. Yet, the path you’re on doesn’t seem to lead where you want to be. Complacency and laziness might be getting the better of you.
It’s easy to ignore the warning signs when everything seems fine. Real growth happens when you question the status quo and act before the crisis hits.
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Stay on Your Side of the Net
Many relational breakdowns occur when we make assumptions about others' intentions. The authors suggest a framework called "The Three Realities":
- Their Intent – unknowable unless clarified
- Their Behavior – what you observed
- Your Impact – how it made you feel
Staying on your side of the net means speaking from your experience without assuming their motives.
Instead of:
"You ignored me in the meeting."
Try:
"When I spoke and didn’t get a response, I felt dismissed. I’m wondering what was happening for you."
This builds space for clarity and preserves dignity on both sides.
Catch the Pinches Before They Become Crunches
A pinch is a small moment of tension—an unmet expectation, a subtle irritation. Left unaddressed, pinches pile up and become crunches: bigger breakdowns, passive-aggressive behavior, or emotional withdrawal.
Exceptional relationships are built by catching pinches early. This requires attentiveness and courage.
Practice:
- Notice when you feel slightly off after an interaction.
- Reflect: What was the pinch?
- Address it gently: "Can I share something small that’s been bugging me?"
By clearing the air early, you prevent relational decay and model emotional responsibility.
Feedback That Strengthens, Not Shames
Feedback is essential to growth—but only when delivered well. Connect teaches a behavior-focused feedback model:
- Observe: "When you interrupted me in the meeting..."
- Impact: "...I felt frustrated and unheard."
- Request: "Could we find a way to signal when we want to jump in?"
This avoids blaming, centers your own experience, and invites collaboration.
Feedback should be timely, specific, and delivered in a spirit of care. The goal is not to win—but to strengthen the relationship.
Lead with Curiosity, Not Assumption
Exceptional relationships are built on curious listening—a mindset of wanting to understand rather than advise or fix.
"Being heard deeply is so close to being loved that the average person can't tell the difference." – David Augsburger
Instead of:
"Have you tried doing X?"
Try:
"What was that like for you?"
Curiosity disarms defensiveness and opens the door to honest conversation.
Ready to make a change?
Your team is steady. Your job is predictable. Yet, the path you’re on doesn’t seem to lead where you want to be. Complacency and laziness might be getting the better of you.
It’s easy to ignore the warning signs when everything seems fine. Real growth happens when you question the status quo and act before the crisis hits.
Discover if coaching is your catalyst for change—risk-free, with no obligation.
In just one free session, you’ll:
- Unpack your unwritten goals and hopes for the future
- Gain clarity on your current reality—your environment, opportunities, and threats
- Get a clear path forward to realignment, momentum, and impact
Whether you’re a founder, team lead, or ambitious professional, this isn’t a sales pitch. It’s a powerful 1-hour strategy session designed to spark clarity and action.
No fluff. No obligations. Just a chance to check in and reset your trajectory.Get Started with a Free Session →
Conflict as Growth, Not Breakdown
In strong relationships, conflict isn’t avoided—it’s embraced. The key is to approach it with honesty and respect. Done well, conflict deepens connection because it shows both people care enough to work through discomfort.
Steps to handle conflict well:
- Acknowledge your emotion.
- Speak from your side of the net.
- Invite the other person to share.
- Stay grounded in shared goals.
Reframe conflict from threat to opportunity:
"This is hard, but worth it—because you are worth it."
Final Thoughts
Exceptional relationships don’t emerge by accident—they are built with intention, honesty, and care. The tools from Connect provide a blueprint. Whether you’re leading a team, navigating a friendship, or building trust with a partner, these practices can turn ordinary interactions into extraordinary ones.
Start small. Stretch by 15%. Stay curious. And remember: deeper connection is always possible.
References
- Bradford, D., & Robin, C. (2021). Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues. Penguin Publishing Group.
- Next Big Idea Club. (2021). Book Summary: Connect
- Toby Sinclair. (n.d.). Connect Book Summary
- SoBrief. (n.d.). Connect Summary
- Business Insider. (2021). Stanford's Popular Class on Building Relationships
- Augsburger, D. (1982). Caring Enough to Hear and Be Heard. Regal Books.
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