Why Your Feedback Isn't Landing
I was having wonton mee with my wife the other day.
The noodles were clumpy. The soup was bland. The char siew was dry.
Not terrible enough to cause a scene, but definitely not the kind of meal you would happily recommend to someone else.
My wife looked at me and said, “Go tell the auntie lah.”
I looked over at the auntie’s face.
So grouchy.
Aiyah. Better not.
In my head, I already knew how the conversation might go. I would say something small about the noodles. She might frown, snap back, or think I was just being difficult. Then the whole thing would become awkward over one plate of wonton mee.
It reminded me of something many business owners and leaders struggle with:
How do you give honest feedback without making someone defensive?
The Magic Ratio
Most of us think the answer is to find the right words. Be softer. Use a better script. Say it in a nicer tone.
Those things matter, of course. But they are not the whole story.
Psychologists John and Julie Gottman observed that strong relationships tend to have around five positive interactions for every negative one. Their work was mainly about marriages, but the principle is very relevant to leadership too.
Difficult feedback lands differently when the relationship already has trust, appreciation and goodwill.
Imagine I had been eating at the stall every morning.
I greeted the auntie warmly. I thanked her for remembering my order. I told her when the noodles were especially good. I treated her like a person, not just someone behind a counter.
Then one day, I said, “Auntie, today the noodles a bit clumpy.”
She might still disagree. She might still be annoyed for a moment.
But she would be less likely to hear it as an attack, because the relationship would already have some goodwill in it.
Why We Get This Wrong
The same thing happens in business.
Many business owners only speak up when something goes wrong.
A missed deadline.
A careless mistake.
A customer complaint.
A poor decision.
Those things do need to be addressed. Leadership is not pretending everything is fine when it is not.
But here is the problem. If the only time your team hears from you is when something has gone wrong, then your feedback starts to feel like threat, not guidance.
Meanwhile, the good work goes unnoticed because it is seen as expected.
The person who quietly fixes an issue before it becomes a problem gets no comment. The employee who improves a process gets no acknowledgement. The team member who handles a difficult customer with patience is simply expected to do it again tomorrow.
Over time, people begin to feel that nothing they do is ever enough.
So when corrective feedback finally comes, they are not just responding to that one comment. They are responding to the whole pattern of the relationship.
That is when people become defensive, discouraged or disengaged.
What To Do About It
Corrective feedback works best when it is built on a foundation of trust.
That does not mean you need to flatter people or force fake positivity. People can usually tell when praise is just a management technique.
It means you learn to notice what is true and good before there is a crisis.
Catch people doing things right.
Notice the effort.
Acknowledge the improvement.
Celebrate the small wins.
For example:
“I noticed you handled that client calmly.”
“The way you followed up made a difference.”
“That was better than last time. Keep going.”
These small moments build the relational bank account. So when you eventually need to say, “This part needs to change,” the person is more likely to hear you as someone for them, not someone against them.
Good leadership should not only point out what needs to change. It should also help people see what is already working.
Start Today
Think about someone on your team today.
Have they heard more from you about what they are doing wrong, or what they are doing well?
If you had to give them honest feedback tomorrow, would there already be enough trust in the relationship for that feedback to land?
If not, start today. Not by avoiding the hard conversation, but by rebuilding the foundation that makes the hard conversation possible.
If you are a business owner struggling with a difficult team conversation, book a free coaching session where we can unpack the situation and work out a practical next step.
